Fear of Fatness Rears Its Ugly Head

I had the following, horrifying thought today while doing my strength training routine at the gym: "Hmm...I feel like doing cardio. I should stay and do cardio after I finish." I didn't actually have the time to follow-thru, but just the thought marks a shift in attitude that I'm not ready for. Am I going to become one of those insane annoying folks who enjoy exercising?

This would be entirely unprecedented, from a dedicated couch-potato. But I've noticed that when I go work out, I end up enjoying it no matter how difficult it was to actually make it out the door in the first place. Possibly this is all due to the rush of endorphins that I'm not used to yet or something, but I'm hoping it stays this way because if I know me, I won't make it back to the gym once it starts becoming horrible, no matter what the health benefits.

And believe me I need the motivation. I keep noticing things about my body, subtle shifts probably not noticeable to the general public (or even my close friends) but things I focus on nevertheless. I'm talking here about dimpled skin on the thighs, and the inability to suck my tummy in completely anymore. Is this just what happens to thirty-somethings? If I keep at it with the exercising, and also manage to cut out snacking and eat healthier in general, can I control this? I've got to admit I'm a little out of my comfort zone here...never having been one of those girls who worried about getting fat. Now I feel like it's all I think about.

I would actually prefer to not be motivated as much by body-image issues. I would like to tell you that what really motivates me is being more in tune with my body, feeling more healthy in general. Really, though, I'm just as vain as the next person and what actually motivates me is what my body looks like, and what may happen if I just "let it go," as if it would be the end of my life as I know it if I gained a few pounds. I know rationally that it doesn't matter that much...people will still love and respect me if I'm not skinny, but I feel afraid that I won't be able to love and respect myself.